


Worst (Best) Wingmen Ever

by Redburn



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Getting Together, M/M, fluffy goodness, this is just crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-27 23:05:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8420647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redburn/pseuds/Redburn
Summary: One day the Paladins started calling Lance and Keith ‘The Husbands’ behind their backs.(It may or may not have been their best idea ever.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> I... I don't even know what this is just take it

Lance would always get frustrated with Keith about leaving shit around the castle. Even if Keith wasn’t around to hear him, Lance would yell out in the direction he assumed Keith would be and anyone else nearby would have to suffer through it.

(“Keith, man, what did I _tell_ you about leaving your knife collection out in a communal area? That is _hazardous_ , Keith. HAZARDOUS.”)

(“Keith, dude, stop throwing your dishes in the sink, we have a perfectly good space-dishwasher RIGHT NEXT TO IT.”)

Or sometimes someone would walk by Keith’s room and hear Lance scold Keith through the walls in a mother-like tone of voice.

(“Keith, is that your dirty underwear that’s been thrown on the floor? By God, IT _IS_ your dirty underwear that’s on the floor! It’s like ‘boys gone wild’ in here!”)

More often than not, Keith would remain collected throughout Lance’s little outbursts (“Keith needs to learn some discipline - the poor boy has grown up a REBEL. When was the last time he even got a _haircut_? Good Lord.”) and then he’d make up for it by buying Lance more of his face creams.

All in all, the castle was never quiet with those two around.

 

-

 

One day the Paladins started calling Lance and Keith ‘The Husbands’ behind their backs.

Allura had called them in for a briefing one afternoon, and as she glanced around the table she asked them, “Where are Lance and Keith?”

“The husbands?” Pidge spoke up, pausing her typing, “They’ll be here soon. I think I just heard Lance finish scolding Keith a few minutes ago.”

Allura frowned. “They’re married? I did not even know they had _dated_.”

“Oh,” Hunk waved a hand around, “They’re not actually together, but I mean, they basically _are_ if you watch them when they’re around each other.”

Allura continued frowning, but a curious glint flashed in her eyes.

 

-

 

The briefing that had happened last week had soon turned into a full blown discussion about Lance and Keith’s domestic relationship.

They decided to start writing up a tally of how many times Lance would chastise Keith about his many bad habits, or how Keith would remind him about not letting pretty space aliens steal his lion after she’d tied him to a space-tree.

Hunk said one day that if they had been putting dollars in a jar instead, they’d be millionaires by now.

 

-

 

Shiro was walking past the kitchen one day when he heard Lance’s voice call out to him.

“Shiro, SHIRO!” Lance waved him over, the knife in his hand flashing about as he did.

“Idiot!” Keith shoved his shoulder, “Knives are dangerous, _any_ 4 year old child would know that.”

“Well _most_ 4 year olds know how to cut up vegetables, unlike YOU. _Ridiculous._ Who even RAISED you?” Lance bit back.

“What 4 year olds? I’ve never seen _any_ 4 year olds prepare a meal with knives!”

Lance continued waving his arms around, sputtering out, “You know what I mean – _KIDS_ – like, child geniuses – haven’t you ever seen Junior Masterchef?!”

“No Lance, I have _never_ seen Junior Masterchef-”

"And this is why it's bad to go and squat in a SHACK by YOURSELF for a WHOLE YEAR-"

Shiro left the kitchen as if he had never come in, muttering _‘so married’_ under his breath.

 

-

 

Allura was in the bathroom with Pidge one evening, telling her about all of the Altean products she uses on her hair to keep it silky and boisterous.

“Pidge, if you let your hair grow out again I’d be happy to help you with some cute hairstyles to keep it contained while you battle!” She clapped her hands together excitedly.

Just as Pidge was about to respond Lance stormed into the room then, Keith being dragged behind him, the red Paladins face becoming paler by the minute.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Pidge asked curiously.

“I’m giving Keith a facial. I just touched his face and I SWEAR there is enough oil on it to fry up a damn HAPPY MEAL™!” Lance’s mouth was pulled into one of disgust.

“I lived in the desert for a _year_ Lance,” Keith tried to squirm free, “It’s not like I had access to an array of products to use - I barely had soap half the time!”

“Ugh, _nasty_.” Lance’s nose scrunched up. “Come on, time for basic skin care 101!”

“Please help,” Keith begged the girls before being dragged further out the back where all of Lance’s secret beauty products were kept.

Allura turned to Pidge to confirm what they were both thinking. “ _Totally_ married.”

 

-

 

One time when Keith had injured his right arm, Hunk had walked by the dining hall to see Lance helping Keith by spoon-feeding him his dinner.

“Lance, I can use my left arm perfectly fine you know!”

“Shh mullethead, just let me feed you~”

(Hunk took a secret photo, titling it ‘Space Husbands Date Night’ before sending it out to everyone else to use as blackmail later on.)

 

-

 

The Paladins had been lounging around on a rare day off when Lance and Keith had finally learned about the team’s not-so-subtle name-calling.

Lance had come storming into the room, arms flailing about wildly he looked almost cartoonish. Keith was the opposite, following behind him slowly with a passive expression on his face and looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.

Lance stopped in front of the others where they sat, and he turned to look at Shiro first. “You-” he spat, “And you-” he turned to Pidge, “And especially YOU-” he pointed an accusing finger at Hunk, “My BESTFRIEND and my TEAMMATES, who I thought I could trust with my _LIFE_!” He wailed dramatically while Keith continued standing there. “Here I am, going about my day, where I thought NOTHING could go wrong because let’s face it - my life is PERFECT and you’re all just JEALOUS,” he coughed the last bit into his hand, “When I happened to walk past Allura talking to the mice about how YOU THREE,” he paused for effect, “Have been calling me and Keith HUSBANDS behind our backs, and let me tell you - we are both _outraged_ , RIGHT Keith?” he turned around for confirmation.

Keith gave a shrug.

“See?” Lance whipped back. “Keith is _FURIOUS_.”

“Sorry Lance,” Pidge pushed her glasses up her nose. “We didn’t mean anything by it; it was all in good fun, really.”

“You guys just act all domestic-y, that’s all,” Hunk chimed in.

“We can stop if it’s making you uncomfortable,” Pidge offered.

Lance shook his head before she even finished her sentence. “Uncomfortable? ME? No WAY.” he scoffed, “We’ll show you just how NOT uncomfortable it makes us,” he turned on his heel and grabbed Keith’s hand along the way. “Come on Keith, let’s go have sex.”

Keith showed no signs of protest and continued to let Lance drag him out of the room.

The remaining Paladin’s all blinked at the place where Lance and Keith had just been. All that could be heard was Lance’s distant yelling down the hall consisting of “Pidge is going to be EATING her words soon; she’s going to wish she NEVER started this challenge with ME!” until a final slam of a door was heard and then silence reaped the castle.

“So…” Hunk coughed, “You guys hungry?”

 

-

 

After that incident, most of Lance and Keith’s arguments started ending in sex.

(“Keith, you are SO GOD DAMN RECKLESS. You could have gotten us all KILLED back there - look at Pidge, she’s too small and delicate, like a FLOWER; she’d never make it on her own!” Lance yelled as he cradled Pidge in his arms dramatically.

“I’m fine-” Pidge tried to interject.

“I only did that to get that blast away from your lion, so sorry for acting on instinct! I’ll try my best not to save your ass next time!” Keith retorted as he pulled off his helmet.

“Guys, inside voices-” Shiro spoke up.

“Wanna go have sex?” Lance spat.

“Fine.” Keith trudged off, Lance hot on his heel.)

The rest of the Paladins always turned to look at a pretend camera like they were on The Office.

 

-

 

Eventually the ‘angry honeymoon sex phase’ died out, and what was left behind was the rest of the Paladins having to suffer through Lance and Keith being Awkward As Fuck™.

(Keith might do well in a practice training session one day and Lance would be there to greet him when he was done, mumbling out a, “You looked good out there,” while scuffing his shoe on the ground.

Keith would reply, “Thanks,” all the while not looking thankful at all, more like he was constipated.)

Other times it was downright agonizing.

(Someone on some planet or another might hit on either Lance or Keith, and anyone else standing nearby would have to witness them try and explain themselves out of the situation.

“I’m sort of uh - sex-ing someone else at the moment?” Lance would stammer, “Uh, so no to the offer, but thanks anyway!”

And Keith would panic, glancing around for anyone to help him avoid the hole he would eventual dig for himself as he tried to let the person down easy. “T-that’s - I can’t, I’m not – um, what I’m _trying_ to say is, is that I’m already husbands with – NO, wait I, uh-”

Then Hunk would come and save him out of pure second-hand embarrassment.)

Pidge wondered if she could master building a time machine to travel back in time to stop herself from ever witnessing those two idiots try and interact with each other.

 

-

 

And then again after _that_ , when they moved past the awkward stage things got _way_ too fluffy and affectionate for the teams liking.

One time Hunk had been walking to the showers and when he got closer he could hear Lance already in there as well, his voice becoming clearer as it bounced off the tiled walls.

“Keith, let me put it in, okay? It won’t hurt baby I promise.”

“Lance, I’m not so sure about this-”

“Trust me, you’ll love it. I’m gonna make you feel _so good_.”

Hunk had turned around straight away, face hot and thinking _‘Nope, nope, nope!’_ before bolting right out of there to go and tell Shiro.

(“Huh, you’re right; it _does_ feel good,” Keith hmm’d in agreement.

“I told you - my shampoos are the _best_. Your scalp is going to thank you later.” Lance grinned.)

Other times it was almost _intolerable_.

Lance might so much as get a small cut on his hand and Keith would come barreling down the halls like Lance was a princess to be saved or some shit, wrapping the cut in a bandage before kissing it better while Lance blushed.

Or they’d all be lounging in the break room and Lance would be braiding Keith’s hair, until suddenly a tickle fight broke out between them that somehow turned into a full-on make-out session.

Pidge would excuse herself to barf while Shiro and Allura looked on like proud parents.

 

-

 

And then one day, like some kind of sweet irony, Lance and Keith actually _did_ end up getting married. Like for real-real.

It had been for a mission. They had to stage a wedding to draw in a particular guest they needed to snatch away to get information out of about Zarkon’s whereabouts.

The entire wedding was real, down to the very last flower girl that walked down the aisle. Neither Lance nor Keith appeared to be nervous or put up a fight about it; instead they had merely smiled at each other before Lance had dipped Keith down into a kiss to seal the deal. Hunk and Coran had cried tears of joy from their places as Lance’s best men, while Pidge and Shiro on Keith’s side simply high-fived.

They were successful in their capture of Zarkon’s henchman; they got the information they needed and booked it out of there before anyone even noticed them do it.

Shiro said to them that night that Allura could act as an efficient if they wanted a divorce, but Keith just gave a noncommittal shrug before Lance dragged him away to enjoy their first night as a married couple.

Divorce was never brought up again after that, and so that’s how Lance and Keith became married for real-real.

 

-

 

One day when they’d landed down on a planet for a supply run a large group of locals had snuck into the castle and had started wrecking havoc around the place.

“Allura who ARE these people?” Hunk yelled out before a tiny figure jumped onto his back. “They’re attacking me, oh god, this is how I end - goodbye cruel world!”

“Hunk, _Hunk_ ,” Allura calmed him down, “They’re just children, see?”

All of the Paladins stopped to look at the intruders littering their space, and saw Allura was right - they _did_ look like they were just children playing around. Lance squealed out of joy, picking one up and gushing at its cuteness.

“OH, Keith, _babe_ ,” Lance swatted at Keith’s arm to get his attention, “Look at THIS ONE, he’s SO CUTE. Can we keep him?”

“They already _have_ parents Lance,” Keith chuckled.

“They _are_ rather adorable, though,” Pidge agreed as one dangled from her arm playfully.

“Okay everyone, let’s gather them all up and go and find their families - I’m sure they’re all worried about them.” Shiro instructed.

“I’ll sneak this one out the back when they’re not looking - we can name him MEGATRON,” Lance staged whispered to Keith.

Pidge turned to Hunk then, and the both of them said, “They’re _totally_ parents.” at the same time.

 

-

 

Funnily enough Lance and Keith actually _did_ end up becoming parents one day.

They had saved a whole bunch of prisoners one time that Zarkon had been holding captive. And amongst the crowd of aliens there had been an orphaned boy and girl huddled together, and when they watched the Paladins rescue them they had attached themselves to Lance and Keith’s legs, little arms holding on tightly.

Keith hadn’t hesitated when Lance asked him if they could take them in.

So that’s how the two children named Nando and Lilia came to live in the Castle of Lions with them, and Keith thought life really couldn’t have been any better than it was right then as they all worked together to make the best cushion-fort _ever_ in the lounge room.

(Except for Lance, who kept insisting ‘Megatron’ was a far more superior name and begged Keith constantly that they should find another baby to adopt so they could use the name before someone else did.)

(Keith thought he was ridiculous, but he loved him anyway.)

  


**Author's Note:**

> omg Imm sorr yy??? ????
> 
> [/tumblr](http://edsbrak.tumblr.com/) x


End file.
